On Love

The way we use the word ‘love’ seems to me to be too generic, as in: I love pizza, I love movies, I love my children, I love God. The ancient Greeks had six words for love. Eros – sexual love, passion, and desire. Philia – friendship, loyalty and sharing. Ludus – affection and playful love. Agape – selfless love and care for others. Pragma – long-lasting mature love. Philautia – love of self, which implies that one is secure enough that love spills over to others.

Even this array still doesn’t seem to fill all the gaps. Love has so many facets; the purist being unconditional love – love with no expectation of love in return. Love is often characterized by red roses, pre-written greeting cards and chocolates on Valentine’s Day. Our society has constructed a frame around love. How can we expand, amplify, and break love out of the box?

Love is a verb and requires action, participation, and the motivation to behave in a caring way that desires the best for everyone. (The Germans have a word, Schadenfreud, which means joy over someone else’s bad luck.) Can we turn love off or on? Maybe love is a skill. Loving often exposes us to disappointment because we expect our love to be returned, so we love with conditions – and that can get us into big trouble, especially if we focus on another’s flaws. But humans are so complicated that it is easy to get sidetracked by dependency, attachment, control, habit, boredom, expectation, need for variety or mental stimulation or needing someone else to complete ourselves.

Flamingos in love